2016年的三月底，我到聖母大學參加研討會，是我迄今最後一次回到母校，行程結束後，我在臉書寫下了The Long Goodbye這篇網誌，與我在聖母大學曾經的日子道別。
五年過去了，我還是很喜歡這篇文，重讀時回憶更加沈重，因為老師Joseph Buttigieg已經過世，那年就是我最後一次與他見面。
前兩天太太問我，老師是不是很喜歡你？我說我真的不曉得，因為他任教多年有太多學生了，但我只有少少幾位老師。我也曾想過我在老師心中是否是個特別的存在，但這既不會有答案也不重要，重要的是他用很真誠的方式讓我覺得自己特別，我覺得這是一個老師能給學生最棒的東西了。
不過本篇並不是緬懷老師的文章，只是文中提到的loss，現在更加深刻。死亡是終極的失去。
（舊文開始的分隔線）
The Long Goodbye
I quite liked the idea of a “long goodbye,” which term I took from Franco Moretti’s chapter on Ulysses in Signs Taken for Wonders.
Yes, a long goodbye, for some of the things in life require no radical break, which in any case cannot be achieved even when so desired, though mostly not.
As I think of it just now, maybe a long goodbye is a kind of mourning, of mentally processing the subtle yet substantial rupture caused by a loss. And that takes time.
Having said these, of course I am going to say that I consider this conference trip as part of my long goodbye to Notre Dame, the concluding part I suppose, if a conclusion is ever possible. It is not.
Yes most people I know are no longer here. Yes the place -- campus and so on -- has changed. But none of these compare to the change in me: I have a life elsewhere now.
The years here are an inseparable part of me and no separation whatsoever is intended. Fond memories remain fond, but they will be pushed further back into memory, naturally, as I move on.
With gratitude, to greater things, I hope.
2016/4/3
註：圖片是聖母大學的金屋頂，上面有金聖母像，引句裡的Our Lady即是聖母的意思，The Butcher Boy 這本書很好看。
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